Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
