She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Randomize
