i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
