I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
