I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
