Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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