can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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