i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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