Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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