Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
