can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
