You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
