This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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