Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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