Sober January is a disaster.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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