just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
