So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
