Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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