He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
