It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
