who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
