first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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