just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
