Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
