hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
