I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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