Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
