I want you more than these girls want KFC
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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