on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
