he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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