I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
