Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
