I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
