At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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