i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
