I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
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Best friends brother. Beat that.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
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This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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