I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
