I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
