i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize