I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
