I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I want a musical about memes.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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