Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
