you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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