i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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