Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
