that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
COCAINE IS GR8
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
