I accidentally had phone sex last night
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
