You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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