All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
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