If that was your dad, he is hot
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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