I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
