I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
