Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i will never coherently bang her
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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