I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
