these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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