I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
