I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
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I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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